I’M ENJOYING THE SUNSHINE OF SELF-ACCEPTANCE

I had a strange and profound experience last night — while doing laundry, of all things! I suddenly saw my life, myself, and all of my circumstances as wonderful and loveable, exactly as they are. That brilliant flash of self-acceptance was brought on by a picture I had tacked up in my basement a long time ago. It’s a shot of me and my son, on visiting day the first summer he went away to camp. It was taken during a period when I was really struggling with my addiction, with my self-esteem, and with the aftermath of the most painful breakup of my life. I used to avoid looking at the picture altogether, convinced I looked sad and pathetic.

But last night when I looked at it, I saw something completely different. I saw my son’s face, smiling like a ray of beautiful, brilliant sunshine. And I thought, look at him, so happy, and completely unaware of how much I was struggling. He was happy with me, happy with the day, just happy.

But instead of blaming myself and feeling ashamed that I hadn’t been able to see and appreciate his beautiful happiness earlier (let alone, in the moment the picture was taken), I felt overwhelmingly happy, myself. This is all I need, I said, out loud, in my basement, looking at this picture of my sunshine. Why didn’t I see this before? This time, though, it wasn’t a guilt-laden question. Instead, I found myself smiling and laughing. I see my sunshine now, and that’s all I need. My son, my sunshine. I could even look at myself, in the picture, instead of averting my gaze from myself like I usually do (so as not to be confronted with someone so sad and pathetic).

LET IT BE.

Up until then, l could only see in the picture the things I hated about myself. Like the addiction that took over so much of my thinking. Or the ongoing rejection of that breakup I had taken to heart. But that darkness wasn’t the whole story. Instead, I saw that the sunshine was the most real thing about the story! And the sunshine of True Love IS real. I’ll stop dismissing it as ugly flourescent lighting… no, no, no. That sunshine is shining on me, always.

All the things about myself that I’ve bent myself into strange and awkward pretzel shapes to try and fix — with makeup, with nice clothes, with punishing gym workouts, with men, and with endless AI self-help consults — well, those “deficiencies” were things about me that were all fine and good and even perfect, all along. So I have bipolar II— enough to make my moods more intense than average, and stable relationships a seeming impossibility. But what if I still loved and respected and took care of myself, relationship suckiness and all? What if I dedicated my passion and commitment to my family, my work, and to Your Burning Desire all the more?

The point of self-acceptance, of course, is this: you stop struggling against yourself. Square pegs do not belong in round holes. It’s high time I enjoy my own, strange little heart-shaped hole I’ve created in the Universe to nestle up and get comfortable in. The sunshine can find me much more easily there. ❤️‍🔥—Y.B.D.